Thoughts from the Blizard of 2006

The ghostly appearance of cars becoming visible 30 feet away.
The numerous abandoned cars along the road. (we counted 73 on the way to the park and back on our sledding trip!)
The buzzing silence when the snow was still flying and there were no other cars on the road.
The blazing fire I made from wood I stole from the grocery store.
The bottle of wine shared with a loved one.
The chance to tow cars out of the deep drifts and get them back on the road and on the way home.
The collapsed buildings.
The gas station parking lot driveway completely obstructed with abandoned cars.
The run to the liquor store; the only establishment open that night.
The constant television news repeating the obvious.
The 50+ inch drifts.
The difficulty starting a sledding run in waist-deep snow.
The camaraderie found in new acquaintances.
The love re-kindled.
The time shared together.

Blizard of 2006 Foibles

Lovely One

In moments of hope I find myself smiling as I remember her touch and her scent as well as the way she carries herself... I remember things that were said in loving moments at night and in the day; such sweet somethings that offer me chances to be happy even just for a minute at a time.

The following are things about her that all make me smile (more or less).

• Her ability to take a bad situation and turn it around.
  
• The passion that she has for making things just and right.
  
• The way that she does her laundry.
  
• Her aesthetic taste.
  
• Her naughty side.
  
• Her hair, when it is down.
  
• Her work ethic.
  
• Her resolve to do better.
  
• Her smile.
  
• Her intransigence.
  
• The positive influence that she has had on me.
  
• She keeps in touch with old friends.
• She loves fiercely.
• She inspires me to love.

I could go on, and in some way I shall, but not in here.

Wishing I Wasn't Wishing

I just don't know how I could have done all of this any differently. I have been having doubts about my decisions, primarily my decision to break up with my last girlfriend a while back. I had hoped that we could get back together after some time, but have since talked with her and emailed and it appears that these hopes of mine are really pipe-dreams. I think that the hurt that this has caused her will not be easily gotten over. That isn't even taking into account her family, with whom I spent many fun hours getting to know; I do not think that they will be willing to take me back into their trust and confidence. Perhaps this was the classic example of being in the right place at the wrong time? I have some really mixed feelings on the whole thing; I really miss her and wish that we could do things together again, but am afraid that if we were to start doing things again that we would inevitably end up in the same condition we were in when I broke us up. It's a damned shame, really. She is all kinds of good. It just sucks that we met when we did, really. If I had already done the rebound bit before I had met her things would certainly be different. I guess that is the only realistic hope I can hold to: that after enough time has gone by, perhaps her hurt will be forgotten/forgiven at about the same time my own personal pain becomes manageable and we can start over like two new people. ~sigh...

God, what a funky weekend I had. Should have been a ton of fun, but as it turned out I was just broken the whole time. I guess that this is what I should expect until I am less broken.

Mea Maxima Culpa

A thin, clear form is beginning to show itself to me.
...so simple; how could I ever have forgotten this?
Her frame, lithe and shapely
Her stories of endless experiencings
Of her lovely world.

I tremble at her subtly changing expressions
I follow her move through every moment in my space
I sadly think of what might have happened if
We had not split

In my heart I am smiling though;
It is better to have learned that she is real
And know that in my life I have truly seen
Someone I could trade all of everything for...

This time I spend in all of my life
The only thing that I can be a part of
Is that which pulls my consciousness onward
The things that make my mind still.

All the things to get along in this
World have their consequences
All the things that make me smile
Wreak havoc in all lives that touch mine
All the satisfaction comes from
Having this life I've wanted
Now that it's in front of me
I balk at the reality...

I have a definitive need for something; fealty...
Soon I hope to have a different credo...
Till then I guess I'll work on my things and ramble endlessly...
Then the thoughts I have that I cannot divulge because their content frightens me...
Will pour from me until our eyes turn black from the crying
And the soul of the thing has grown thinny
And puny...
Oh sweet, wonderful you I am so sorry...
I'm sorry.

The Question That Is Itching...

Do we imbue our surroundings with ourselves?
I think not...
I think that our surroundings do that to us and that we are helpless to do any other things than that which is expected of us based on that very imbument of nature on our uniqueness. It is merely a matter of whether or not we accept these changes in our aggregated persona that determines what we all are at the end of the day, and therefore, what we all are...
I have spent so many years watching people. So many years seeing what they are noticing and trying to accept their reactions to the stimuli as a given; a comensurate sum based on the parts that make it all up.
Does this make me a coward? Does this mean that my own reactions and feelings to a given set of circumstances are unfounded and trite? Do I come acrossed as some kind of louse that thrives only on the torment of those weaker and slower than me? Is there a conspiracy which, unbeknownst to me, continues to lead me astray intentionally?
I only ask because of the aforementioned thought that imbuement is either held by nature or myself, and it feels like a tango to me. It feels as if nature and I dance and dance and we don't stop until one of us needs to sleep. We continue on for years and gaze internally at the change that the dancing brings about.
There are ways and means, but they all lead to the same thing in the end;
We affect our situations upon one another creating more situations to gaze about at...

A very unsettling dream...

I dreamt that I was in bed and there was a knock on the door. I opened the door and my ex-wife was outside with our son. She set him down and he ran up to me and hugged me. She had a notion that we could get back together and I stated that the time for that had already come and gone, and that if she had really wanted to be together, she should have not been such a lousy bitch. She pulls out an ice pick and sticks it into my head. My hand gets injured (instead of my head for some reason) and I slam the door and lock it, cradling my son in my arms. I call the police. I am extremely calm and the 911 operator thinks it is a prank call because I am so calm. My ex has a gun now and is shooting through the door. I tell the operator that she should get a cop here now, cause she is shooting now and my son is scared. The cops come and arrest her and want to talk to me. I call Rhonda, the only person I think my son would be alright with in his current traumatized state, and she arrives very quickly as she only lives down the street. She takes him into his room to play Dr. Mario while the cops question me. They seem to think that somehow I am to blame for it all. I try to explain what happened, but my ex-wife has been talking to them and has told them that I was taking her son away and had stabbed her with an ice pick.

I woke up to the sound of someone knocking on my door. Thank the stars; it was my upstairs neighbor... he needed a jump-start.

Growing...

It is as it has always been;
A world of woe
With hope shining bright
Inside the space between breaths...

I have sought to refine my thought
And to have a solid foundation
With which to build
Stately mansions upon.

It has worked this far;
This looking inwardly,
For my thoughts are much clearer
And my fantasy has settled.

Though I am still a man
Regardless of these changes
I don't ever forsee any end
To my deviant persuasion.

Alas for my closest
And most cherished of friends
Whose opinions of me
Must be interesting indeed!

I have tried to do right
And have mostly succeded
I can now only keep working,
To continue to grow.

Why Was There No Room For You?

Oh my God, I am such an egotist...
It was so much always about I
Never any space for such as you
I never could find the space in the conversation
For any other experience other than Mine
I could never find the other anecdote
That did not include I
That was not My experience
I am so sorry...
But, nonetheless, I...

When troubles hit
They where all My instigation,
When love did linger,
It was always Mine...
When endings came
My endings were They.

I (if you will pardon the egotism...)
Will strive to diminish this domination
Of you and yours.
Unfortunately, it would appear that I am but this way...
I cannot seem to shake this impenetrable I,
A dominating weakling like
The springtime in the Rocky Mountains;
Intense for the time being, but altogether
Short in the long
And empty in the threat.
Empty...

Oh, how empty...

I wish that I could take out the I in all of this. I wish that there were sanity in all of this, but instead there is volatility and rebuke. It is not that which is happening, but that which sponsors the happenings that worries me the most. I do not know which way to go from here, and from whither or thither it comes is beyond my understanding. I only know that (for a fact) it has been over a decade that I have been (sort of) nudged into the space that I am in now. Certain well-intentioned folk have noticed my plight and (sort of) nudged me into this direction, and it scares me to no end.
I wish that I could find some answer in the paths that I have been looking...
Oh, but I wish that I could make some sense of this riddle that has plighted me for so long now;
Where do I put this I?

Damn, another week gone by. I have had some really satisfying achievements this week, and next week should provide even more interesting things to do and experience. Looks like I will be reading, cleaning, and exercising a lot this weekend. Gotta keep the pee clean for a test on Monday, and I have a number of things that I could research at home for extra credit at work. I will have to get used to working at home soon... Being on call shouldn't be too terribly bad. Unless, of course, I am in the middle of something that I don't really want to have interrupted, but then again, the extra $350 a week will pay a lot of bills.