So I received the official offer today. She was the first person I wanted to tell about it. We had spent so many languor filled hours dreaming of what it would be like for me to be through all of my financial woes, always thinking of the day we could go on vacation together. Even to be able to go to the movies without feeling guilty that I was either neglecting something else to be able to spend the money, or feeling guilty that she was paying...
She was the first person I thought of when I heard the news, and I could not call her to tell her about it. We didn't get to laugh and celebrate that I had finally become a real employee.
I did email her, but email is only cool when you have a lot to say, and aren't too sure that what you say will come out right the first time. It is pretty lame for good news.
Ah, well. For now, I celebrate for my accomplishments alone. This is my choosing, and eventually, I will have all of those bills payed off and I will have dealt with the emotional baggage left over from my failed marriage as well.
This is the Universe telling me to enjoy this milestone to the fullest!

:D

Another Monday passes by and I am feeling more and more on track. After the long, holiday weekend, I am reassured that my choices are the correct ones and that all isn't for naught. I have never felt so self-assured and complete than I do right now. There are so many good things awaiting me in the future.
I got word today that I have the job.
I have yet to recieve the formal offer, but that is supposed to come sometime this week. I have waited so long for this to happen. Not only will I be able to pay off all of the debts incurred by my ex and I from all of those years of complacency, but I will also be able to save money at the same time... This concept is so completely foriegn to me that I don't think that it will really register for some time. It will really be a challenge; being paid only once a month. Yet, after some adjustment, I think that it will be easier. I will pay bills once a month, at the same time I pay my rent. Everything else will be extra. I have to learn how to make the extra last all month. Once I have mastery of that, then I will put the real extra into savings. A year of that and part of that savings could be applied to vacation. A real vacation. Like to New Zealand, or Greece.
The tide has finally turned for me. I have earned the rewards that I am about to receive, and I thank the powers that be for granting me this.
Thank You!

The Fire Burns Ever On

Embracing in a warm and friendly way
My thoughts run rampant with the possibilities
"In time..." I tell myself again;
"In time I shall have this life of joy."
For now, though, I will wait alone
But for the company that I currently keep
And then some day, when the sadness disappears
I hope to have the privilege to begin again with her.
I know that this is a sappy thing;
To hope for such a thing to come
But I feel that there are better things
In this life than what I've known.

Thank you for understanding some
I know that it is confounding
But my heart still pined for the undeserving one
When we started spending time.
And now, with that one gone and gone
My pining has been shifted
To the one whose perfection
In it's variant forms
Is the most sought after of prizes.

So once this time has been spent all right
On the healing and sadness previously neglected
I can honestly say, that on that day
I will dance with the maiden
And be forever gladdened!

On Heroes

Wow! What a neat thing this is to actually be enjoying a television show to this extent! I haven't been so entertained by TV for quite some time. It would seem that "The Cheerleader" was saved, ergo the world; but a cheerleader still died at homecoming... Could all of this have been a big wild goose chase? Was Syler supposed to attempt to kill Claire and then along comes Peter with his ability to don other's powers like a hat just in time to save the day? Could his being arrested for the death of the non-invincible cheerleader have something to do with nuke-guy blowing up NY?
Damn, what a good series!

Today I am cleaning to occupy my time/mind. I mean really cleaning. I even cleaned my room. Throughout the process I have had the ability to feel how I feel about things. A glancing observation inward tells me that I am sad and pretty lonely. I wish she could be here to see how well I've done, but that isn't going to happen. I have to stick this out and be ok by myself if I am going to get anywhere with my life. I cannot simply sit idly by and watch my life pass quickly by.
I have to actually do the living if I expect to have lived at all...

Validation After All

Today was a very strange and difficult day. I had a meeting at 3:30 at my son's school with his teacher, my ex-wife, the school counselor, and the principal. While this may not seem like that big a deal to some, this was the first of such (at least where there is a counselor and a principal involved...) meetings for us and I could not help but feel a little bit ponderous about the thing. It was the most recent parent-teacher conferences that triggered the event.
As it turns out, my son is having issues at school primarily on the weeks that his mother has him at her place. The teacher says that he is sleeping in class and just seems soooo lethargic for periods. Then has a period of productivity and focus. She said that its like night and day with him. I describe a day in the life of him at my place and that I cannot vouch for his mother as she hasn't taken the effort (you know almost 3 months in advance when the parent-teacher conferences will be...) to request the time off for the conferences.
The teacher advises that the counselor talk to him and see if there is anything she could do to help. The counselor winds up talking to him and validates everything that I had been saying about his mother to anyone who would listen for years. As it turns out: he goes to school in the morning after a night of staying up late watching the cable-connected TV in his room into the night.
Have you ever watched cable TV at night?
Anyway, (that's a topic for a new post later)
today, the mother was on the hot-plate. The three authoritarians focused intently on her and acknowledged me with their eyes while they voiced their thoughts on the matter. It was their unanimous opinion that he is needing the structure that I have been providing to him to be carried over into her household. There was no "or else" that was verbalized, but in my ex-wife's eyes I definitely saw the sudden realization that the whole meeting was a kind of a "OR ELSE" in its own little way.
I have a feeling that her attitudes regarding parenting may become a bit more tempered by the incontrovertible nature of the system that she is a part of. I have a feeling that things are going to improve immeasurably.

In the NOC...

I have moved into the Network Operations Center at NetLibrary. Wow... I feel like I am really here now, not sitting outside of where all the action is taking place quietly executing tasks in the dark. I feel like I am where I should be.
More insomnia last night. It has been 4 days now that I haven't slept properly. I still wake up before the alarm clock as well... WTF? I hope that I can start to sleep better soon. I would hate to get sick.

Good workout last night. I still had insomnia, but that will likely go away with time. Today is the Thanksgiving pot-luck at my work; I brought the pumpkin pies.
I feel like this week was the "warm up" for the upcoming weekend and next week. I haven't had to spend much of my time alone because my boy has been with me. Beginning Friday night, I will be put to the test. Can I sit around the house being lonely and bored without going nuts? There's Heroes on Monday, that'll be good. And I have a new painting itching to come out that I am likely to scan and create winter holiday cards with. Everything should be alright, I'm just scared. This is the moment I have been avoiding since I broke up with Gwen when I was 20. 11 years of codependency and neglecting my inner self. I have heard my inner self knocking for some time now, I have just been helpless to listen. Now is the time!

Some racquetball is in order for the evening. It is a good thing that there are leftovers from a couple of nights ago; I will be exercising and then going directly to bed. Insomnia really sucks. It never seems to produce anything worth much, and the next day is really painful. Overdrafts suck too. This week brought to you by Last Weeks Overdraft Fuckin with ya: If you thought it was bad then, wait until you try to pay rent! I guess that it is better than having another damned overdraft protection (high interest rate line of credit...) account to wind up having to pay off later. Ready to be through a number of the trials that I am currently up against.

Grade 18 - Consulting Systems Analyst

This is the title of what will become my new position (barring any unforeseen events that would make it go another way) in June, 2007. I do not know what the pay will look like, only that there are benefits... Oh, the benefits are what make a job that much more real! I could get new glasses! Go to the doctor when I hurt! Take a day off without loosing money! Ahhhhhhhhh, (I hope...)
At the end of the month, I will be starting another MS Curriculum class; Developing Microsoft .NET Applications for
Windows (Visual C# .NET). This one is for Windows Forms instead of ASP.NET. I am already pretty proficient at the ASP.NET stuff, so this can only help. Plus, it is one of 3 tests that I need to pass to achieve my MCAD(Microsoft Certified Application Developer), then 5 (possibly less..) more tests and I will also have an MCSD(Microsoft Certified Solution Developer).
Ah, the career is progressing...

Insomniatic; I reach in again and again
To attempt to touch what It may Be this time...
And time is here with me as well
We dwell on the things and the things
And again until fatigue carries me over
In bubbles of reason
Like tonic water or soda
Thoughts continue to flow
Air moving gently ever onward
The flickering candle casts shadows of nothing
On the walls my cave
In my eyes
In truculent waves
Thought crashes upon my rocks
Eroding the landscape before it is time
And time, everpresent
Continues to shadow me
Into the night
When I listen to myself...

...Later that day...

Closing on the day: a week since we have broken up. I still feel torn and confused about the whole thing. I wish that I could just call and get her back, but I know that things would just end up the same way they are today a few months from now. I have the utmost resolve to get to the bottom of my problems, therefore I have sworn off any distractions and perversions that might hinder my progress. 9(?) days of celibacy and counting...

Discreet and Discrete

Engaged in The Dance
In this room that I've made
I wait patiently (sort of)
For my Sun to arise
Beleaguered by things
Long kept locked in the dark
Lately, nothing can keep them
In silent supression.
To wait for some change
To occur in my life
Is so much like what
Pulling my nose hairs out feels like:
It makes the eyes water
Makes me wish that I
Had no nose hair to pull out
No tears in my eyes.
But the pain makes us strong
At least that's what is said
When the well intentioned
Try to placate our sorrows.
Though I feel that it's true
I have no interest
In attaining such strength
That flexibility is lost.

Do or do not?

One of the most difficult parts of a break up for me is the dichotomy of memories that are both good and bad. It is easy enough to forget what it was that caused the break up in the first place because of the overwhelming sense that all of those good things are now not ones own any longer. Sure, the memories are still mine, but the experiences will no longer be accumulating. You are left with these pairs to deal with them in whatever way you can.

I know a lot of us that will immediately seek the shelter of another persons company to weather the storm of ones own memory machinations. I have experienced this recently and can honestly say that it causes more hurt than what would otherwise have been felt by just waiting it out.

Mistake #1:The Rebound...

What a terrible and confusing thing is this? To find comfort in the company of some special person whose very persence in your life sooths the hurt and makes you feel as if you aren't the scum of the earth. Well in all actuality, by doing this and creating a new relationship (because that is what happens no matter what you may tell yourself to sleep at night) you are now responsible and are also held accountable for the ramifications of doing this. The fact that you had deluded yourself holds no waters in the face of the hurt that this causes. So to keep yourself from feeling like the scum of the earth, you then truly become the scum of the earth!

Another difficult part of breaking up for me has been the alone time. Personally, I have never really handled being alone as an adult. As a child and teen I was able to spend the majority of my time by myself and I was mostly content with it. I figure that since I became an adult I have been in relationships about 98% of the time and that this must be what has made being alone hard at this stage in my life. It should be noted that this will invariably lead to another rebound relationship if enough time is not devoted to ones self. I have been told that I should resist the urge to go out and seek ways of distracting myself from whatever it is that is bothering me internally. In this way, I may actually get somewhere in "getting my head on straight", and finally be capable of having a joyfull, healthy relationship, which is what I have wanted for so long now.

I cannot say how long this process will take; coming to terms with the memories and loneliness, but I am in a position now where I have only the two choices: do or do not.

I thought that I knew what I thought that I knew

As it has turned out, I actually knew very little
Jumping in head-first like there would be
Some saviour waiting to catch me
When in all actuality it is always the hard surface
Of dawning reality that I always hit
I have no ideas now of where to begin
I have spent so much effort on maintaining this system
I don't know which is the appropriate direction
To find myself and what I am looking for...

FTW

O heartless world whose truncheons darken
Flesh on tender babys heads.
O world with clammor, cacophony
And darkness needing light to live.
O nascent world, in blooming youth
Also in ancient wisdom.
O world of fear, war, and abhorrence
Repleat with historical anachronisms.
O God forsaken world of mine
What have you other than these pairs?
O tragic, ill-concieved world
Dispair, your common currency.

The Question Begs The Answer...

Have you the strength to put aside
Your pettyness and your weakness,
To denounce your past
In all of its glory
And chase the dream
Completely fearlessly?
Is it in you to require and expect
The things you have desired
Since childhood?
Can you let go of everything
And be whole without
All the conditions that make you
Who you are today?
Can anyone forfeit their deepest desires
For something that but skims the surface?
Is there any way for us to find reciprocity
In our lovers and in our friendships?

Which Is It?

I will post no blame here
Only un-philosophy
For my thoughts are tangential
And my convictions are slippery.

I have some things that need attention
Like my sorrow that at first
I could turn into anger
And then complacency.

I have left this, and other things
Behind me, so to speak...
But all of those things still wait for me
In my sleep and moments of calm...

It is my hope that someday, I can transform the hurt
And make it into beautiful flowers
To create a home where currently there are ashes
To transform my inability to commit.

It's not her fault that I lack any care
For the things that she clings to most fiercely
Nor is it my fault that I lack that faculties
To take part in her life exactly as she would have me...

Should she care for my frantic
Clinging to things that have
Proven to be irresolute?

Should she be reminded
At every occasion
Of things that she has
No desire to change?

Should she be expecting any other response
Than the one that she gives to me?

Should I sit back and drift
Into familiar waters
Where the icebergs have sunk
A thousand friendShips?

Should I run away, screaming
With my ego intact
To avoid the prolonged
Exposure to that?

The Summit Of Our Souls

Curious, I peek into the box of wonders
A strange rekindling of awareness fills my mind
She stands before me with eyes a-glow
And I appreciate her presence still…

This lovely arrangement of point and counter-point
Makes for intriguing conversations
And long walks with nothing better to do
Than enjoy the time we have together…

Does she realize the effect she has on my life?
I think perhaps that she knows only parts
And that the rest is obscured by
The constant noise of the street below…

A polite smile from a stranger
The scrape of paper being folded
Crunching leaves under-foot
All of these things make the simple complex…

In my mind, she is shining
And my thoughts are ever with her
Glowing together in this room together
The room where our souls have repose…

“Fear not this prose my dear”
Say I to this one,
“These things are but the ramblings
Of a tired and confounded mind!”

And all of my heart
Along with my thoughts
Reside inside passion
Awaiting the sunrise…